March Mascot Melee™: Round One of the MLB Bracket

Neither of these goofy guys made our tournament, but how awesome is this picture?

By Joe Parello  @HerewegoJoe

And so it begins.

Our month-long mascot battle royal opens today with the feistiest mascots from Major League Baseball. It is by far the weakest of our four brackets, if you're curious. I won't waste any more of your time, let's get to the bracket and break down each match up below.

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Left Out: Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankees, Toronto Blue Jays, Atlanta Braves, New York Mets, Philadelphia Phillies, Washington Nationals, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Cincinnati Reds, St. Louis Cardinals, Houston Astros, Los Angeles Dodgers.

Ok, there's no way I'm letting in a bird that isn't something awesome like a hawk or a falcon, so the Orioles, Cardinals and Blue Jays are out. As for stocking based mascots in Boston and Chicago… No.

Mascots named after the residents of the team's city (Phillies & Yankees. Nationals, sorta) were lame, as were teams named for the fact that they play near a metropolitan area. I don't know what a Red is, and I refuse to use Native American teams in these due to common decency. The Astros are named after NASA, I think, which isn't exactly intimidating (unless they were developing a Death Star), and the Dodgers are named for people who jumped from one street trolley to the other in turn of the century Brooklyn.

Well, that's actually pretty cool, but not good enough to make the field. Let's check out the battles between the teams that did make it.

1. SF Giants vs 16. SD Padres

One team is comprised of massive people, the other is… Your parents. I know we're all kind of afraid of our folks, but no way my dad could beat up a giant.

Winner: Giants

8. Colorado Rockies vs 9. Tampa Bay Rays

The Rays are a feisty mascot, but they got a really tough first round match up. Even if you put the Colorado Rockies under water, they'd still be there, but if you put a sting ray on top of a mountain it would be dead pretty quickly. Plus, the rockies are one of the largest and most majestic occurrences in nature, while sting rays killed the Crocodile Hunter.

This one's for you Steve!

Winner: Rockies

4. Detroit Tigers vs 13. Seattle Mariners

This seems like a no-brainer on paper. A tiger would rip a simple seaman to shreds, right? I thought that too, but then I remembered that movie "Life of Pi" with the little kid on that lifeboat with the tiger in the middle of the Pacific.

If that skinny little kid can feed and sorta tame a tiger, I've gotta believe a seasoned mariner would be eating tiger sliders by sundown.

Winner: Mariners

5. Pittsburgh Pirates vs 12. Chicago Cubs

If this was a full grown bear, it would be a tall order, even for the most swashbuckling of pirates, to bring down. But, since it's just a cute lil baby bear, I have every confidence that this thieving scoundrel will brutally slaughter it.

Winner: Pirates

2. LA Angels vs 15. Milwaukee Brewers

Wow, the Angels just seem borderline unbeatable, don't they? Hard to see them struggling much with a bunch of guys that brew beer for a living. They may not be challenged until they run into a giant, devil or titan later on.

Winner: Angels

7. Arizona Diamondbacks vs 10. Florida Marlins

This is a tough one, because home field advantage would obviously be huge for either of these animals. You put a rattlesnake in water, and I bet that marlin could spear him good, but if you put a giant fish in the middle of the desert, he's pretty screwed.

Since this is a neutral site game, I'll put them both in the brackish, mangrove covered waters of the Florida Everglades (in an area deep enough for the marlin to move adequately, but with enough branches for the snake bounce around, of course), and I'll take the big fish to win a war of attrition. Let's say he lands a lucky stab and the snake never gets close enough for a venomous bite.

Winner: Marlins

3. KC Royals vs 14. Minnesota Twins

I like the twins idea, because it stands for the twin cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul, but it could really stand for any "twin" thing. It could be those creepy twin kids from "The Shining," or it could be twin rivers, or twin towers.

Either way, the family that rules that land decides what to do with it… Even if it's those creepy kids.

Winner: Royals

6. Texas Rangers vs 11. Oakland Athletics

To me, this really comes down to Walker, Texas Ranger (Chuck Norris), against a random guy that's pretty athletic. Yeah, I thought so.

Winner: Rangers

Here's our updated MLB bracket heading into the second round.

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