Patriots Fans' "DeflateGate" Lawsuit Proves They're the Best/Worst

By Joe Parello (@HerewegoJoe)

So, I know this story is a few days old, but you'll have to excuse me, because I've been on my Central Mass lacrosse grind for a few weeks now.

That said, I'd like to take time away from the cutthroat world of local high school sports to focus on something less serious: The NFL.

More specifically, a hilariously oblivious lawsuit filed by a few New England Patriots fans against the NFL, apparently attempting to get their favorite team's first round draft pick back, but probably just to get attention.

The suit, filed in Federal Court in Boston earlier this week, cites "emotional distress," and accuses the league and commissioner Roger Goodell of fraud and negligence.

Let's begin to unpack this ground-breaking case, with some quotes pulled from the suit by CBS Boston.

“This case is brought by New England Patriots fans on behalf of all Patriots fans who believe the New England Patriots professional football team were harmed by the Defendants’ arbitrary and capricious decision to revoke the Patriots first round draft choice in the April 28, 2016 NFL Draft…"

“Unless enforcement of the Defendants’ unlawful policies and practices are enjoined, the Plaintiffs will suffer irreparable injury be being deprived of their teams’ first round draft choice.”

Let those quotes set in, and understand that seven random football fans are saying they will suffer "irreparable injury" if their team doesn't get a first round draft pick. Well, in that case, it's a good thing they aren't fans of the New York Knicks or Brooklyn Nets, because I'm pretty sure they'd be dead from irreparable, fandom induced injuries by now.

Also, sweet use of the words "capricious" and "enjoined!" This suit is gaining credibility by the sentence!

Let's move onto a specific fan from the suit, Mr. Todd Orsatti, for whom the suit is named (Orsatti v. NFL). Good old Todd is a Patriots season-ticket holder, and claims the NFL is harming not only him, but also his young daughter. For shame!

“Orsatti attends games with his 7-year-old daughter. She will no longer go to games with him because she thinks the games are fixed by the NFL after her team was punished based merely on conjecture. She is talking about finding another team, which has left Orsatti ‘devastated.'"

First of all, what 7-year old knows what "conjecture" means? Someone sign this girl up to take the Bar, because she may understand evidence and burdens of proof better than anybody else involved in this case.

Also, I wonder where she got this crazy idea that the NFL is fixing games and targeting the Patriots? Yeah, that totally sounds like a conclusion a 7-year old would reach WITHOUT the influence of her Patriots season-ticket holding father, who takes the time/money to file lawsuits in the name of his fellow Pats supporters.

Clearly, that guy had nothing to do with his 2nd grade daughter suddenly coming up with grand conspiracy theories.

Oh, and did I mention that this suit also lists Patriots owner Robert Kraft as a defendant? Apparently, these guys don't think Kraft fought the NFL hard enough on DeflateGate punishment. Yeah, these lovable truth seekers are suing the owner of the Patriots, on behalf of the Patriots fans. You have to love the logic there. I guess they know what's best for the organization. Certainly that billionaire who is trying to profit from it wouldn't have any interest in making it successful, and his track record as an owner is mediocre at best (I'm being sarcastic, obviously).

“Defendant Robert Kraft had remedies to attempt to get Plaintiffs’ draft pick back, but he chose his fellow billionaire owners above the Plaintiffs and fellow fans."

Note that, in that sentence, Kraft is listed as a defendant, but the supporters of the team he owns are plaintiffs, even though Kraft himself has spoken out against the league in response to its punishment of HIS team. That's right guys, it's not your team, it's his.

That's some pretty good lawyering, so bravo to you, Maine attorney Seth Carey. You have done the legal profession proud, and I don't just mean because you were suspended TWICE by the Maine Bar in 2009 for misconduct, or because you are currently serving a two-year probation for incompetence.

No, I must applaud you because this is what America is all about: Football and frivolous lawsuits!

This is why Patriots fans are the best/worst fans in the world. They care about their team so much that they're willing to throw away their money on a statement lawsuit (which mostly makes the statement that they should probably get a hobby), filed by a disgraced, small-time Maine lawyer.

Not only that, but they can say, seemingly without a hint of irony or self-awareness, that the NFL is damaging them and their children. You really have to admire/feel sorry for these people, they truly are amazing/sad.

The passion is definitely there, but at the same time… Maybe we should keep things in perspective, ya know?

If you get a chance, check out the full suit here, it truly is enlightening/horrifying.